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my great aunt died, more honesty about my dark night + my gripping fears…..

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Death is a relentless teacher.

It doesn’t ever go away.

Its presence in our journey is real and inevitable.

I’ve honestly had an extremely difficult time with death in the last 20 + months since the onset of my nervous breakdown and anxiety attacks.

MORE on that painstaking period in a minute…

First I want to share the news that my great aunt Lavern passed away the other night.

I give honor and gratitude for her life.

She was the first in her family to go to college and was proud of her business degree.

Tenacious and loyal (it runs in the family), she was the last of her generation on my dad’s side.

(Me, Lavern & my sister in Georgia, September 11, 2015.  I loved that sassy twinkle I always saw in her eyes!)

I love you, Lavern. Fly free.

Her passing and my grief brought me close to emotion that I have not been able to touch in a while without collapsing in on myself.

This brings me back to my reference of the fear of death that surfaced with my health crisis last year.

If you weren’t aware yet (we have hundreds of new members in my community!)

… Last year I was unexpectedly and abruptly thrust into a health crisis that had me completely undone.

I was in Sedona, Arizona leading a VIP day with a client.

The night of our successful day, I was cozied in my room feeling the gratification of another day well spent in service to women’s empowerment…

… and suddenly the room started spinning.

The days that followed were consumed with severe fear.

Heart palpitations, awful nausea, constant shakes & more.

Little did I know that this was just the beginning of many many months of symptoms, and the start of a dark night of my soul that would crack me open like never before.

It was an amalgamation of things that led to this break down.

To name a few….

* An ending of a relationship that was representative of a lifetime pattern of losing myself in childhood wounds and dysfunction

* The awakening on the planet that was calling me out to my next level of expansion and leadership

* Unhealed parts that were no longer able to remain un-integrated and stored away in the dark recesses of my unconscious

* The initiation of perimenopause

HOLY GODDESS. I was unraveling.

When my attacks would set in, the terror was unlike anything I ever experienced. It totally gripped me, and I was convinced I was dying.

My nervous system would freak out and I’d be consumed by fight/flight/fright mode. I sincerely believed I was in imminent danger.

I took this picture while flattened in bed.

Why am I showing you this vulnerable picture?!!

Why am I divulging details of my worst times?!!

In some schools of thought, this could be the demise of my business.

I could lose clients as on lookers (maybe you!) pull away from me, unsure if I’m qualified to hold myself together long enough to serve you well.  But the truth is. I don’t give a sh*t.

My greater commitment is to being true to myself.

And if I lose business being true myself, then it was never good business for me to begin with.

ALSO….

I am committed to the NEW PARADIGM of leadership, which requires transparency.

We are drowning (literally in some cases as mother earth does her part in waking us up) in the ripples of shadowy leadership.

We need a new norm in leadership that includes a compassionate space in which our humanity is welcomed and integrity is upheld.

We can’t do this when leaders are hiding in polished pseudo representations of life that don’t even exist.

Not only do leaders get entangled in a web of deceit and lies that inevitability catches them, followers are disillusioned about what and who they can really trust.

So. Death.

Death is persistent. Its pursuit is a gift reminding us of the preciousness of life.

When I was holding a candle light vigil for Lavern, feeling her transition to another dimension of being, I could hear deaths whisper.

“Live, live, LIVE! Now is the time. Don’t put off doing and
being what you most long for. When it’s over, it’s over.”

I am slowly getting to know the teachings of my dark night, including the fear of death.

What I can say for sure is that one of my biggest fears is regret.

In certain times when my panic has taken over and the pressure of “time” feels compressed, I am scared it is over.

I am not ready! I’m not ready to die! I’m not ready to be done with this life.

I’m still attached to being Kendra. I’m still wanting so much more out of this life.

And when it IS over, I want to feel in every fiber of my being that I did what I came to do and walked a path that fulfilled my soul in the most meaningful ways.

I won’t be on my deathbed plagued with regret.

Thank you for helping me see the lessons, Lavern!

Now, sister.

I want you to take this heartfelt share seriously!!

Let it touch the places in you longing to come out of slumber.

Let it arouse your fear of death – not in a panic way – but in a healthy way that helps you keep the perspective of the short time you have here to be ALIVE.

If this message speaks to you and you know that your awakening is in motion at a level that requires more tools to grow your leadership and gifts, take my invitation to join us at Wealthy Goddess LIVE.

NOTE that I’m not for everyone, so please take the time to read the page and make a considered yet intuitive decision as to whether you are ready to show up in your fullness and richness through my powerful mentoring.

With all that I am,

Kendra E Thornbury, MA

ps Life is short. Life is precious. Do what matters. Be true to you.

>>> Wealthy Goddess LIVE

the eclipse & the shadow … you can RE-SET!

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Let us gaze at our SHADOW with the same curiosity, wonder and awe as we do the Solar Eclipse!

That is part of its medicine.

The darkness covers what is typically light.

And rather than be threatened by it, we lean in with the holy reminder of the MYSTERY of life.

Our perceptions change as we adjust to a phenomena that removes the routine of time and lifts us into a HARMONIC understanding of  dark and light.

There is a RE-SET happening. It began with a serious cleansing of patterns that are not aligned with your new operating system.

Does it feel like things are worse for you lately?
Are you irritable?
Are you experiencing a lot of body talk?
Are old wounds and dramas rearing their head from the past? (That
you thought you were complete with, thank you very much!)
Are your emotions amplified?

The shadow is at play, inviting you to break the chains that its had on you. The chains are NOT the shadow itself.
The chains are the DENIAL of your shadow.

It’s personal. It’s collective.

What you see in the “screen” of the social & political scene is the effect of shadow. We can judge it, condemn it, blame it, be mad at it. But that just keeps it alive.

We are SEEING the shadow. This is GOOD news.

It’s not hiding anymore. It’s not a secret anymore.
It’s coming to the light.

Compassion, understanding, empathy, forgiveness, love and gratitude are the salves for the shadow — raising it out from the binding realms of the forbidden.

This is a time for you to be compassionately and radically HONEST with yourself!

Enough of the denial and deceit.
Enough with the excuses and attitudes.

What pattern(s) are you done with? BE SPECIFIC.

You have the opportunity to seriously re-set your system.

Get real and surrender to the gift of TOTALITY.

The wholeness of all that you are.

With all that I am,

Kendra E Thornbury, MA

my white privilege + wealth

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Business “as usual” is impossible this week.

The white supremacists left me feeling disgusted and  sick to my stomach!!

And don’t even get me started on the president’s unacceptable lack of leadership by not denouncing it with the fervent moral standing the event calls for.

(He left the press conference yesterday boasting about owning a winery in Charlottesville. Really??? Are you f***-ing kidding me??)

Chants like, “Jews will not replace us” & “Go the f**k back to Africa” reverberate in my awareness.

The attempt to get to normal day to day tasks? Ah, yeah.  It hasn’t worked.

That’s because nothing is normal. Far from it.

It feels ethically irresponsible to remain silent.

I didn’t want to just message you touting the benefits of creating a lifestyle of freedom this week.

Now, I am not going to do a dive bomb into shaming myself for the success I’ve created.

OR do a 180 and start condemning the quest for lifestyle freedom. (Because the core values are needed more than ever!)

BUT.

Seriously. Do you really need another picture of me with my hair blowing in the wind on the beach today??

I think not!

What I AM going to offer is the space for us to get real in service to HEALING the divide, transforming the hurts and undoing the deeply disturbing beliefs that lead to racism, extreme hatred and violence.

I AM going to get conscious to what this event is arousing in us and what it’s asking of me and my leadership.

I AM going to continue to ask the hard questions and shine the light on the shadows.

I’ll start with this.

I benefit from white privilege.

My wealth has been made more easily accessible, in part, because of my white privilege.

I take that seriously.

Truth is.

Sometimes I’m ashamed that my success is built upon the history and a system that oppressed and STILL oppresses black and indigenous people.

In fact, I put a considerable amount of thought, prayer and deliberation into my choice to become an entrepreneur and to make more money knowing this.

I resisted becoming successful in the ways I have because I was SO TERRIFIED I would just get swept up in a fantasy world that denied that so many of my brothers and sisters suffer and still struggle with BASIC human rights.

I felt repulsed at the prospect of contributing to the very system that I want to be part of undoing.

Truth is. I do live a life that represents only a small percentage of the population. (And I’m determined to change that!)

Times like this remind me of WHY I took the leap into business in the first place.

After returning from Africa in 2005, I was forever imprinted by the souls I encountered. The poverty and corruption I was exposed to and the reality of people – especially children – living in those conditions shocked me out of my comfort zone.

I came face to face with the reality of white privilege when in Nigeria in a way I never had.

I could see how the color of my skin gave me a pass to reality in a way that the people of that culture knew nothing of.

Sometimes, I felt like a celebrity there. People would flock to me.

There was an automatic power that was frightening to feel.

And, let’s face it. Part of why we were there was to raise awareness and open doors that only could be opened because of our skin color.

When I got back from Nigeria the first time, I swore to myself that I would always stay humble and in deep gratitude for my privileges. AND… not only that … I would USE them as an instrument of change.

I believe I’ve done well by this pledge.
I believe these times are asking for more.

I am evaluating… Am I doing enough?

I’m not asking from the parts like my obsessive perfectionist or inner critic that I still dance with around my enoughness.

I’m asking from the part of me that is a responsible caring fellow citizen and established leader dedicated to change.

Without judgment.

* Have I become lazy?
* Have I become complacent?
* Am I hiding in my personal growth beliefs?
* Am I justifying my success at the expense of others?
* Have I lost sight of the “WE” in pursuing “ME”?
* Do I take my privilege too much for granted?

I don’t know.

It’s necessary to ask.

I’m willing. And frankly, I feel obligated.

I invite you to do the same.

Without judgment.

Truth is. It’s time.

I’m laying flat. In pain.

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In this moment.

I’m feeling LOW as I navigate the heaviness of a migraine again.

I planned on unpacking boxes and nesting more today in my new home.
I planned on exercising. I planned on readying my temple for a productive week ahead.

Instead, I’m laying flat. In pain.

And you know what? I’m noticing a part of me judging myself.

I’m lazy.
I have no value.
I should be able to pull myself together and get
productive.
I should be better than this.

Really? Because I have an extreme headache??!!!

Interestingly, I’ve been doing big healing this last 18 +months around self-love and have realized at another level a VERY harsh inner critic. Berating. Punitive.

I cower in her presence. She tears me down.

I hadn’t really recognized how deep and erosive this part of me is.

I just thought it was a normal part of life to live with this punishing voice. I just thought it was “their issue” (It’s been mirrored to me in relationships).

I just filled my anxiety about it with numbing tactics.

Over the decades it’s been a variety of agents–alcohol to dissociation to drama in relationships. Even my travels and personal growth quests at times were forms of escape hidden
in disguise.

Decades of this pattern has wreaked havoc on me. Last year it contributed to a break down. My body and being just couldn’t and wouldn’t hold the damage that had built up over the years.

I’ve also been able to see its debilitating effect on my writing. My book has stalled to the point of great anxiety for me at times.

While the pain has brought me to my knees time and again, I know that this is part of a greater healing.

I’m doing what it takes. Showing up for it.
Feeling the feelings. Facing the fears.

I’m discovering how to LOVE myself more fully and unconditionally.

Wow. I can’t believe I wrote all that. Through squinty eyes and pulsing temples, I took to writing to help the energy move.
(My book coaches would be pleased.)

 

With all that I am,

Kendra E Thornbury, MA

ps. This too shall pass.

I look forward to serving you this week…

 

 

Act like a lady = BS. There’s a NEW desirable Feminine in town!!

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THERE’S A NEW DESIRABLE FEMININE IN TOWN!!

OMG.

So I just read an article on “How to Be Feminine and Act Like A Lady.”

Suffice it to say, I thought perhaps I had taken a trip back in time to the 1800’s or something.

For real?!

I will be more desirable if I do the following. Advice included:

* Become a make up expert
* Learn to be shy
* Don’t cut your hair
* Smell good
* Do your nails
* Never swear
* Speak softly
* Love yourself for who you are

With the exception of ‘love yourself for who you are’  (and I have NOT mastered this one 100% of the time)

… according to this article, I’m screwed.

I wonder if they have some sort of school that will help me?

Ha.

Well, truth be told. I’m actually not in the LEAST bit interested in any of those attributes in my quest to align with my Feminine.

* Become a make up expert. Um. I like make up sometimes. I prefer natural. And when I do wear make up, it’s pretty basic. I do admit I like sparkly sh*t sometimes  (Oh, darn. There I go swearing. Check that off the list).

* Speak softly. Yeah, right. I have something to say, and I won’t mince words to get to the heart of matters.

* Smell good. Hmmm. As a hippie gone entrepreneur, I still am true to the values that make me an earth lover. No chemicals. No perfumes. And a commitment to use less water. I may get a little “raw” sometimes, and that’s the truth.

In the interest of time, I won’t continue to dissect the problems I have with all of this “put me in a pretty lady box” advice.

Here’s my point.

I am not proper.
I am not classy.
I am not what you want me to be.

I AM the spectrum of the Feminine in the exploratory unfolding of ever expansive desire and depth!!

Today I’m vulnerable and yielding.
Tomorrow I’m fierce and assertive.

I ROAR in my tiger print.
I DANCE in my sensual dress.

I’ve traded my high heels for yoga clothes.
I value comfort over appearance.

I am what I am not supposed to be.

Emotional.
Mysterious.
Untamed.
Persistent.
Messy.
In process.

Sometimes I know exactly who I am and am led by inner wisdom.
Sometimes I fall apart and remake myself again.

Ultimately. I do what is TRUE for me, casting aside my inclination to care of what you think of me.

When I honor the Feminine according to her life-giving terms, I am in my wealth. When I dismiss or oppress her, I am in my lack.

Dear ones.

It is time to pause your definition of the Feminine.

Permanently.

It is too small for your Soul.

As we give rise to the new qualities of life and leadership necessary for these changing times, let us each discover the Feminine riches thatnwill restore balance and enliven our collective.

In the meantime, I’ll be acting like a lady MY way.

Today it’s doing business in my red bathrobe while swearing and eating quality super food chocolate.

Oh, AND. I’ll be leading “Feminine Secrets of Wealth” June 22, 12pm pacific.

Come PLAY if you want to unleash the power of the Feminine more fully to tap your true wealth and make more money!

With all that I am,

Kendra E Thornbury, MA

ps. I’d really really like to help you act like a lady!

I promise I won’t make you do your nails or speak softly.

Come play! “Feminine Secrets of Wealth” June 22, 12pm.

Don’t let ANYONE tell you .. !!

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Don’t let ANYONE tell you what is (or isn’t) possible!!

1) Most people operate from a limited understanding of what we are capable of.

2) Nobody knows what is true for you.

3) Only you choose your reality.

4) You are a mighty being with superpowers.

Idealist?
Too ambitious?
Lofty?
Selfish?
Impractical?

Many years ago, I had this vision. I wanted travel to sacred  land and have clients meet me where I was.

Part of me knew I could have it. A wiser part that felt connected to a natural order that says that..

IT IS NORMAL TO HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. ???

Last night I confirmed details for one of my Sedona VIP Days. I MARVEL that I get to support stellar women in coming into their power and their prosperity.

Not only that. I do it in stunning locations that elevate us to a greater recognition of what is possible.
Beauty inspires. Nature puts us in harmony with a higher truth.

That’s my vision manifest! ?

Yep. You can do it, too.

The Universe doesn’t discriminate and it doesn’t pick favorites!! ??

my thoughts of worthlessness & 3 steps I took to return to my higher power…

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You can change your reality with your THOUGHTS.

Think about it (HA! Pun intended) !!!

I remember when I started waking up to this truth.

It took me from feeling like life ‘just happened’ and believing that I had very little power over my life ….
… to understanding that I CAN & DO have influence.

From victim to creator. From reactive to proactive.

But what happens when your THOUGHTS RULE a reality that you don’t feel good in?

Or that erodes your well being?

Or wreaks havoc on your sense of abundance and financial security?

I know it doesn’t always feel like we are at choice with thoughts.

I’ve sure had my share of thoughts that leave me feeling helpless and and insignificant…. Thoughts that lead me to make choices that don’t align with the results I want.

This last year during my hellashish DARK NIGHT I questioned everything.

Including what I’m saying now.

I felt like my thoughts “had me”.

I would think debilitating thoughts like…

“I am not good enough.
I don’t matter.
I am not making enough money.
I am not safe.
I am falling apart.
I don’t have the strength to get through this.
I am worthless.”

And. I’d believe them! I’d hear those thoughts as if they were TRUE, and spin a reality to orient myself around them.

I’d feel the feelings of those thoughts.
I’d choose the reactions of those thoughts.
I’d take the actions of those thoughts.

I can see now that because these thoughts were arising from parts parts of me that I was healing — the emotional charge and “believability” factor was HIGH. I believed them. There was no questioning them. And my emotions were triggered by them.

I believed I was not good enough.
I believed I was not safe.
I believed I was worthless.

It took a LOT of super-power-might to call forth the part of me that DOES KNOW on some level that those thoughts were not the WHOLE truth and nothing but truth so help me God.

Here are 3 steps/practices that I did that made a world of difference to my sanity… and eventually, my return to my higher power.

~*~

1) PRACTICE BEING THE COMPASSIONATE OBSERVER.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to practice compassionate observation of your thoughts.

Rather than getting “hooked” into a reality with them… experiment with becoming the observer of them. Watch. Listen. Pay attention.
Even become curious.

See them as a stream of consciousness moving through you and play with detaching yourself from them.

Do this with compassion for yourself.

2) TEND TO THE REQUEST UNDERNEATH THE THOUGHT.

I’ve learned that pushing away thoughts that don’t feel good doesn’t work.

Denying the expression they have for you will only make them stronger.

(This is what creates Shadow. The parts that go underground and pop out in unconscious ways.)

There is actually a request underneath the thought. When you tend to it, the thought will relax.

For instance, my thought that I am worthless.
I don’t like how I feel when I feel I’m worthless.

It sucks.

But what happened when I TENDED to that thought?

I realized that there was a part of me that really needed some loving. The worthless part was craving attention.

She needed assurance. She needed to know that she was worthy of my presence (rather than telling her to go away).

3) CHOOSE THOUGHTS THAT ALIGN WITH THE REALITY YOU WANT.

What thinking matches the reality and results you want?

For instance, if you want to feel abundant, you’d think thoughts like,

“I am abundant. I am opening to greater abundance every day.
I am grateful for the abundance that life shows me.”

I know that this can feel awkward, contrived and unbelievable at times. But. It works. You may not totally buy into the statements or feel these  thoughts as “real” at first. Over time, they will become a part of you.

I mean, really. You didn’t come into the world believing the BS you think half the time now, right? It took time for you to be conditioned to think  thoughts that make you feel like crap and that rob you of your abundance.

So, be patient and stay consistent.

Birthday LOVE! And 7 truths…

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WOW!

I am still riding the LOVE wave from my birthday.

I’m blessed.

And I’m passionate about sharing my bounty by helping more & more women become FREE!

Seriously. If I can do it. You can do it.

The UNIVERSE DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE.

That means we have equal access to resources.

The one’s of the UTMOST importance I refer to here are the resources of your mind, soul, emotion, Spirit and creative intelligence.

THESE are the key ingredients for success.

Here are 7 more truths I’ve come to know.

(1) You have the POWER to create the life you want.

Yep. You do.

Regardless of … your past, your limits, your insecurities, your uncertainty, your ANYTHING. YOU have the power.

(2) Life is SHORT. Don’t waste it.

Really, my dear.

What else can I say to impart the urgency of which your soul longs to live in the FULLNESS of experience that is available
to you?

(3) Your purpose isn’t to PAY BILLS.

Dude. (Dudette more appropriate?) Really.

I know that society’s got you all wrapped up in its trance of scarcity, but I’m here to carry the torch of more.

A purpose beyond ‘getting by’ draws abundance TO YOU in service to your greater offering.

(4) Nobody is going to SAVE YOU.

I know. On some level you secretly want the sexy gallant Prince (or Princess!) to ride up on a magical white horse and rescue you.

Oh, how I remember those days I lamented that I actually had to take charge of my own reality. I get it.

And don’t get me started on how screwed up politics are. Clearly “they” are not going to take care of us.

But sister, let’s chant together. VICTIM NO MORE.

(5) The Universe is KIND & set up to support your success.

I know it’s easy to be fooled into believing otherwise.

Everywhere you turn, media is pumping you with evidence of how scary the world is.

But you know what? That’s just not the HIGHER truth. That’s the inertia of fear. The grip of a threatened power shadow  that will go to crazy lengths to keep its control.

What’s real is the Divine Design of you + the natural design of the Universe orchestrating in a collaborative force for your highest good. When you align, you become magnetic, doors open and the miracle of prosperity is an every day reality.

(6) Change your MIND, change your life.

Your beliefs are thoughts you just have repeated for so long they have become habit. Many of the thoughts you think are not even a match to who you truly are OR what you want.

You change your mind to match the results you want?

I guarantee you’ll be celebrating the most cherished dreams you’ve been hiding in your back pocket.

(7) You need SUPPORT.

Let me say that again to help it land deeper in your cells.

You. Need. Support.

And you know what?

The bigger the vision, the MORE support required!

I’ve got sisters, mentors, coaches, masterminds, accountability partners, my naturopath, healers, family. A whole CADRE of special champions I can lean on, cry to, strategize with and be held up by.

Enough of the, “I’ve got this” or believing it’s weak to get help.

Give yourself the GIFT of walking your path with people who believe in you and bring out the best in you.

Oh, and…

…I announced my Birthday Prosperity-Celebration SPECIAL, & would LOVE you to take advantage of this Bundle of Bounty!!!

5% of the sales go to one of my favorite causes, the Unstoppable Foundation. So you can feel the reward of your growth in connection to helping others.

I’ve learned (ok, another TRUTH here) that the path of success and freedom is a COMMITMENT.

It’s a day by day walk, not a one time inspiration.

My work with women gets results — in part — because I teach a WAY OF BEING & CONSCIOUSNESS.

If you’re looking for the quick fix… well… that just  doesn’t last.

>>> GO HERE NOW TO JOIN MY PROSPERITY-CELEBRATION SPECIAL

Thanks for playing! 🙂

With all that I am,

Kendra E Thornbury, MA

ps. The Birthday Bundle will get you access to …

* The Medicine of Money

* My New Wealth Consciousness Program-includes 3 Coaching Sessions with me!

* Wealthy Goddess LIVE

* Access to 6 & 7 Figure Leading Women Interviews

* Key To Wealth Audio

* My Simple Secrete Supercharging Your Abundance

>>> GO HERE NOW TO JOIN MY PROSPERITY-CELEBRATION SPECIAL

 

 

 

Dammit. My last day of 46. One of my vulnerable shares yet…

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Dammit.

Today is my last day being 46!

Truth be told, I feel mopey and down.

Not because of my age.

But because I had a great vision for my day that has not come to life.

I was going to leap out of bed with the inspiration to reflect, write, go for a hike and create closure in a meaningful way.

Instead, I felt a flutter in my heart in the early hours that prompted anxiousness about what that meant for my day ahead.

More on that in a minute. I am about to come out about something big.

This is one of my most vulnerable shares yet.

So rather of an ideal picture of me flying high in my bliss through the sunny hillside, you have a real, raw photo of me crying this afternoon.

I know. Not flattering.

But hey.

I’m here to lead in a new way.

And the truth is if you just see me always in the idyllic persona of a lifestyle you dream of, you’ll remain limited in the belief that you can’t have what I have because I am always so frickn’ happy frolicking through this unattainable dance of success.

Not only that.

*What if it WAS just as flattering to cry as it was to smile?
*What if the belief that I’m not as likable in this raw state dissolved into love?
*What if I and WE became a culture of embracing the beauty in all our expressions?

Okay, so back to my morning.

I drove my niece to school. I enjoyed that.

She asked me if I’d be announcing a special for my clients since it’s my birthday. WOW! I was struck by her memory of me having done that last year.

(The answer is yes, by the way. Keep an eye out.)

Anyway, I got home and I felt so UN-inspired.

Then my critic jumped into my head nailing me with all the reasons that I should feel bad about myself.

Geez. That sucks.

Who invited you to my last-day-being-46-party??

Ok. I can do this.

My coach has been working with me on loving my inner critic.

Kisses. Smooches. Hugs. “You’re so lovable, Kendra.”

Gawd. Shouldn’t I be OVER this by now?!

Hasn’t all my healing and personal growth given me some GOLDEN ticket out of these moments for good?

Ah, right. There’s one thing getting in my way.

I am resisting my feelings. I am falling into the all so common illusion that spiritual evolution means that I will by-pass my humanity.

But I am human. I’m not a star. I have feelings. I don’t just glow in the sky!

I have a woman’s body. With a heart. A gushy, caring heart that pours with love for humanity and cries at the most inconvenient moments!

I have hormones that are changing, carrying me from one mood to another with a sense of total helplessness and no control!

Ok. Right. I can do this.

So I’ll get to work on my Birthday Special. That will be fun.

2 hours into the writing… and my computer crashes.

WTF??

I feel a temper tantrum coming on.

No. That’s ok. I don’t have to react. I can BE with this.

Deep sigh.

Let it go.

It’s a full moon, remember? A time of completion.

And I read this earlier from Mystic Mamma:

*FULL MOON in SCORPIO opens a gateway to our truest depths, where we can really tune into our hearts deepest desires, and gleam our truest reflection.

If we can take this time to sit with ourselves, and be truthful about all we reject and deny, we can uncover, untangle and reclaim ourselves in our fullness.

We are both light and shadow, dancing and meeting each other in each other, to be ultimately reconciled within.*

Ah, yes.

This is it.

The parts I want to reject and deny.

This is the shadow. The more I reject and deny, the harder it gets.

My parts want to be enveloped with acceptance, not relegated to the “bad girl” corner.

I have poured a large amount of my energy and resources into JUST this task in the last 15 months.

To LOVE myself. Fully. Completely. Unconditionally.

That’s what I’m doing in this picture. With the ocean as my witness. Igniting the love of my heart.

Speaking of my heart. Earlier I told you about a fluttering in it.

Well, it started January 2016.

That was the beginning of the health crisis, dark night,
spiritual awakening, perimenopause hoo-haw I’ve been opening up about.

For the 1st several weeks my heart was pounding non-stop.

Through out the year it would return.

With it came something like I’ve never experienced.

PANIC.

Gripping. Terrifying. Undoing. Panic. Attacks.

That’s right.

Me.

Seasoned coach. Manifestor. Conscious
creator. Woman of the Feminine mysteries.
Facilitator of change. Catalyst for healing.
Successful entrepreneur. Leader of leaders.

I developed an anxiety disorder.

It feels important to tell you this now.

I needed to come out about it on my last day of being 46 as an act of self love.

I know it’s not your typical “coming out” party. HA!

But it feels good to get that out and be real about this very trying aspect of my walk in the world.

Since I’ve been thrust into this path, I’ve discovered that 18 million Americans alone struggle with anxiety disorders! I had no idea.

What I want you to know is that I’m good.

I don’t need you to pity me or be concerned about me.
I don’t want care-takey messages or attempts to rescue me from the hardship.

I do welcome your witness.

Your capacity to be with me as I am.
Your willingness to sit in the struggle without trying to cover up the awkwardness.
Your confidence that I and we are ok.
Your respect for the courageous woman and leader I am.
Your praise for my ability to be with it and glean whatever I can for my highest good and to – in turn – serve others (you) better.

On some level, I’m stronger than ever.

My unraveling has made me more me.
And I’m even more awake to the preciousness of life.

There you have it. My last day of 46.

Blessed be.

why I do grief work…

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This is where it gets real.

Where the raw and tender emotions that have been relegated to the halls of isolation and shame can finally come out to be seen.

Mothers weeping over lost children.
Men wailing over the state of our world.
Youth crying over unprocessed abuse.

Holding space for this deep and brave work is one of the privileges of my life.

Last weekend we led our bi-annual Grief Retreat.

28 people courageously arrived …

Craving relief.
Longing to lift the burdens of their heart.
Seeking a safe space to unravel.
Secretly desiring to feel sane again.

The truth is, my friends.

This journey of life can be downright HARD.

* And as a leader in the personal growth industry, I believe it’s my responsibility to speak up for the spaces that we unconsciously are making “bad” in our pursuit of success. *

See….

In my 20’s I was hungry for a new way of life. I set forth to “be all I came to be”. To build a career based in passion and purpose. To expand into a joyous existence.

But part of why I was doing it is that I wanted to get away from the feelings and thoughts that haunted me.

I didn’t like how I felt about myself sometimes.
I didn’t like the punitive voices in my head.
I didn’t like the chronic sadness that was following me around.

And I thought personal growth equaled getting rid of all that.

It was an “out” for my pain.

Now don’t get me wrong.

I AM an advocate for the best life. That does include arriving at new wisdom on how to choose well.

I’m not here saying that life is hard and that you have to be a victim to it. That the hardness has to diminish your quality of life.

Or that it’s wrong to want to feel the relief of pain. I’m ALL for welcoming more and more pleasure. I’m ALL over building a reality that feels good to your soul.

But I AM also saying that I discovered pretty quickly that my pursuit of joy was incomplete without acknowledging the grief.

I don’t pretend. I reject inauthenticity.

So it was rapidly clear to me that what some people call joy is really not that at all.

It’s a COVER UP. An obsession with positivity. A spiritual by-pass that actually keeps us distant from accessing even more of the juice of life.

I realized that to feel more joy, I had to feel more grief.

I realized that to be more prosperous, I had to feel more grief.

Why?

Because you can’t allow for more life force to move through you in “some ways” but not others. You can’t compartmentalize energy.

You can’t pinch off the flow of your genuine emotions hoping that more abundance will come through.

Emotions are PART of accessing more abundance.
Feelings are a DOORWAY to greater prosperity.
Grief is a COMPANION to increased joy.

Here are some reasons why I do grief work.  Because …

 * I am here to be fully alive.

I don’t want a numbed out existence.
I don’t want to live with regret.
I don’t want to hold back my true self.

* I am here to prosper- and help others prosper.

Our disconnection from grief is a part of our conditioned lack and scarcity consciousness. We’ve been taught that the dark of the Winter and the mystery of the Feminine is scary.
So we impatiently reach for resolve by staying busy and acquiring more stuff. An ability to be content with the simplicity and at peace with the unknown is key to true wealth.

* I care about people and the planet.

Grief is a demonstration of what I care for and what matters to me. Sometimes I’m broken open as I deeply ache for a world in which peace and love prevail.  I don’t know how to stay sane with the suffering that exists without grieving.

* I want to be a more compassionate and kind person.

Holding back grief becomes a barrier between me and “other”. Grief breaks down the walls and creates a common understanding that bonds.

* I am a leader, and unkept emotions and unprocessed grief becomes a dangerous ground for projection and shadows.

I believe it is my responsibility to use my influence with conscious and humble awareness. Too many leaders are unconsciously and  destructively attempting to get their unmet emotional needs met through the perceived power they are attempting to gain.

* It is sacred activism.

Grief is some of the most radical, brave and effective work to help us heal the divides, take a stand for higher principles that nourish all beings and unify our efforts toward a greater good.

* I help people be free.

It’s simple. Grief will set you free.  I get that it may not feel that way while you’re in it.  In fact, it’s one of the reasons people avoid it. It can consume you. It can make you feel completely out of control. It can leave you feeling like a helpless puddle. But ultimately, to deny grief is to deny the sacred, vital and beautiful totality of life.

“Grief work offers us a trail leading back to the vitality that is our birthright. When we fully honor our many losses, our lives become more fully able to embody the wild joy that aches to leap from our hearts into the shimmering world.” ~Francis Weller

With all that I am,

Kendra E Thornbury, MA